Partners of Sex Addicts: When Sex Becomes another Chore on the “To-Do” List
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S You may be feeling embarrassed to admit that you have started viewing sex with your spouse as an additional chore that needs to be marked off the” To-Do” list. Well, you are not alone. You may not have thought of it this way and you probably would not say to your spouse that having sex with him is as boring as completing a chore on the “To-Do” List. Many of the wives of sex addicts that I counsel report that sex has become boring, empty and lacks the emotional connection. Chores and sex become equals when there is a disconnection from emotional intimacy in the relationship. If you are a partner of a sex addict in the early phase of discovery, you are probably not feeling safe enough to share openly with your spouse what you are truly feeling. Your conversations are most likely about what you have been doing and few emotional connections take place. You have probably sensed that something was not quite right in your relationship. If you are totally honest with yourself, you have probably not been truly happy in your marriage for quite some time. Your relationship may be plagued by intimacy anorexia, unresolved conflicts, sex addiction or all of the above. If your spouse is a sex addict, you probably think that sex has become demanding, routine and empty. That is because your sex addicted spouse most likely engages in objectifying sex. Your sexually addicted spouse probably cannot “see” you. Your spouse may be off in his head fantasizing and may view you as an object; therefore, sex will not be intimately connecting. In fact, many Partners of sex addicts often report feeling used and resentful. In order to move forward in your relationship and reach towards relational sex, there needs to be an emotional connection- deep emotional intimacy needs to be developed. Any active addiction will block these efforts. In order to develop a deeper connection with your spouse, you need to be able to be vulnerable with your spouse, share feelings, appreciations, and most importantly, feel safe with your spouse. This cannot happen if your spouse is active in an addiction. Sobriety in the addiction must be targeted first. Emotional intimacy is difficult, if not impossible, to reach unless trust has been rebuilt. Your feelings of emptiness will not go away magically overnight. It will not all of a sudden become less of an issue. You have the power to change and determine what you are willing to accept or not accept in a relationship. In counseling, you decide what the goals are; you decide how deep you want to explore and you choose the issues that you want to address. Your therapist assists you with learning new coping skills, aids in boundary planning and suggests techniques and exercises to help you connect with your spouse. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, NCC, therapist at McKinney Counseling and Recovery, specializes in helping individuals and couples heal from sex addiction, infidelity, intimacy anorexia, and intimacy deprivation. McKinney Counseling & Recovery serves the McKinney, Plano, Allen, Frisco, Dallas and Sherman area. Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX.
Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S If you have recently discovered that you are a partner of a sex addict, then you have just stepped onto an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs will be fluctuating wildly in the early stages of finding out that your spouse has been acting out sexually behind your back. At this time, the turn to a smoother ride is nowhere in sight. This is not a sprint type of recovery. There is no magic pill or potion that will provide a quick fix- healing from your partner’s addiction is a marathon. It will take time to get off the emotional roller coaster. As a partner of a sex addict, you will have your own healing to do. You have been deceived and manipulated for a long time. You are probably experiencing a lot of anger, fear and pain at this time. So now that you know, what do you do? First of all, know and chant the 3 C’s until it registers in your mind. The 3 C’s stand for: Cause, Control and Cure. The 3 C’s refer to these facts: You did not cause this addiction, you cannot control the addiction and you cannot cure it. There is nothing you can do to “make” your spouse do anything. Recovery is an inside job. You can tiptoe, walk on eggshells and try to make everything stress free in an attempt to prevent him from acting out; you will fail. You can disregard your own emotional needs, focus all on his needs and give him lots of love and attention; you will fail. It does not matter what you attempt. You will fail unless HE chooses to make a change for himself. Also know that this addiction most likely entered his life long before he met you. You will probably find out that the addiction started during the adolescent years. So, you are not the cause of his addiction. You can’t control it, no matter how hard you try. Trying to control this addiction will only put you on the insanity roller coaster where you will end up exhausted and empty. You can’t cure anyone of their addiction. No matter if you sneak recovery books onto his nightstand, find a therapist for him and closely monitor him. IF he doesn’t want to overcome this addiction, he will not. Focus on healing yourself instead-regardless of what he will or will not do. At this early time of just finding out, many partners report feeling out of control. They have the urgency to find ALL the answers and wanting to find out everything that her spouse has been doing. Once again, be patient and as gentle as you can be on yourself. Stop, wait and take the time to process what you are experiencing. You deserve to give yourself some time to think. Some partners have to know every single detail relating to the acting out behaviors. Some partners do not want to know anything else. What is right for you? What are the benefits for you in finding out every detail? What are the negatives? I strongly caution clients in asking for too much information because this can lead to additional pain and future triggers for you. I don’t advocate for keeping you in the dark. You have been in the dark for a long time. I only suggest that you process and think about how much information you need, what are you going to with that information and are you ready to hear the answers to the questions that you ask? The best thing you can do during these tumultuous times is to take care of yourself. Seek out support, journal, rest, try different recovery tools and you may want to seek professional help in starting your own healing journey. Betrayal In Marriage: What to do When you are Wishing That Your Spouse Chokes on the Broccoli2/24/2012
Written by: Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern, National Certified Counselor, McKinney, TX. Supervised by: Debra Dian Larsen, MS, LPC-S
Are you feeling ashamed about your secret wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli, or whatever “death wish” that you suddenly and briefly had running through your brain? You know that you do not actually want your spouse to croak due to the broccoli, but the fantasy helps you from choking on your own feelings of powerlessness. Actually, you are not alone in having these split second thoughts run through your mind. There are people who have stated that their lives would be easier if their spouse was not around any longer- the words burst out with urgency and full of emotions. After this outburst, most people immediately retract their words. Many people are horrified at what had just come out of their mouths-looking bewildered, embarrassed, apologetic, and immediately stating that obviously they don’t want their spouse dead. So is it abnormal? Does it make you a bad person for secretly having a split- second wish that your spouse chokes on the broccoli? No, it does not make you a bad person. It does not mean that you are homicidal or that you actually wish for these things to happen. What it may mean is that you are experiencing many uncomfortable, painful feelings and that there are possibly many unresolved problems that you need to address in the marriage. You are not happy. You are not getting your needs met and you are disappointed at the deterioration of the marriage. You may wonder where these passive aggressive thoughts are coming from. Ask yourself what is happening in the marriage, what are you avoiding and try to identify what the unmet needs are. Maybe you have already analyzed these areas and you are afraid, for various reasons, of talking to your spouse about what is happening. Maybe you have tried talking to your spouse countless times only to get the cold shoulder, minimizations or blame. Do you need to set healthier boundaries? Are there addictive behaviors that are destroying the marriage? Are you enabling the behaviors? A partner of a sex addict experiences shock, disbelief and often suffers from trauma symptoms after finding out that her spouse is a sex addict and has been acting out sexually behind her back. Betrayed spouses who have found out about an affair or affairs experience pain, fear and anger. Spouses who live in emotionally starved relationships experience rejection, withholding and criticism on a regular basis. If you can identify with any of these situations, you are most likely in a lot of pain. It is the kind of pain that cannot just be swept under the rug. Seek out community resources; educate yourself by reading self-help books. Consider seeking professional help in order to work through the painful emotions, and work yourself to a place of healing. Let go of the broccoli death wish, it may actually save a life- yours. Ingela Edwards, MS, LPC-Intern is a contract therapist at McK |
AuthorIngela Edwards, LPC, NCC, SRT, CCPS is an individual and marriage therapist Categories
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